Have you ever stopped yourself from connecting to ask for help because you did not want to be a burden? Maybe you told yourself you should be able to figure it out alone. Maybe you worried the other person was too busy. Maybe you thought asking would make you look less capable, less polished, or less in control.
But what if reaching out is actually one of the ways we build stronger relationships?
SVChange executive coach Shannon Polly is a speaker, author, founder of Lead Well Work Well, and one of the first graduates of the Master of Applied Positive Psychology program at the University of Pennsylvania. She has spent decades helping leaders and teams communicate more effectively, build trust, and work better together. She also brings a wonderful background as a former professional actor, which gives her such a rich understanding of presence, communication, and what it means to truly meet another person in the moment.
This conversation was about the science and practice of human connection, but not in a vague or sentimental way. We talked about tiny moments with strangers, the courage to ask for help, the vulnerability of receiving support, and the power of asking more open-ended questions at work and at home.
The more we talked, the more I kept coming back to something simple: our relationships are not only strengthened in the deepest conversations. They are also shaped by the small moments we often overlook.
The Power of Micro-Moments
When we think about feeling close to others, many of us think first about our most intimate relationships: the friend we can call in the middle of the night, the partner who knows us deeply, the family member who has been with us through every season.
Those relationships matter enormously. But Shannon reminded me that a sense of being seen can also happen in much smaller moments.
She shared a story about being at the post office and noticing a man struggling with a customs form. Instead of ignoring it or staying in her own lane, she asked whether she could help. It was a small moment. They may never see each other again. But for those few minutes, two strangers were simply humans in a shared space, and one person made the day a little easier for another.
That example brings this work down to earth.
It can happen when you wave to a neighbor. It can happen when you make eye contact with the barista. It can happen when you stop long enough to help someone with a form, hold a door, ask a real question, or notice the person in front of you instead of rushing past.
These micro-moments may seem small, but they matter. They remind us that we are part of a social world. They make life feel a little less lonely and a little more humane.
In positive psychology, Barbara Fredrickson has written about micro-moments of positivity resonance and the upward spirals that can come from positive emotion. Shannon brought that idea into the conversation beautifully. One small interaction can shift the way we feel. It can soften the day. It can remind us that even brief moments of warmth have power.
Loneliness Is Not Only About Being Alone
One of the important distinctions Shannon and I explored is that loneliness is not always as simple as how many people are around us.
We can be surrounded by others and still feel lonely. We can be busy, connected online, receiving messages, liking posts, participating in meetings, and still feel a deeper kind of disconnection.
That is one of the challenges of this moment. Many of us are technically in contact all day long. We are on screens, in chats, in email threads, in meetings, and on social platforms. But not all contact creates the feeling of being seen, known, and supported.
Shannon referenced the work of Sonja Lyubomirsky and the idea of being open to receiving love in a broad sense. We do not only need to reach out. We also need to let care in.
Many of us are far more comfortable giving help than receiving it. We will show up with cookies, advice, support, rides, resources, and encouragement for everyone else. But when we are the ones who need something, we minimize it. We tell people we are fine. We say we do not need anything. We try to handle it alone. On the surface, that may look strong or self-sufficient. But it can actually create distance.
When we never allow others to help us, they do not get the experience of contributing to us. They do not get to feel trusted. They do not get to know the more human parts of us. Over time, that can create a wall.
Relationships need reciprocity. They need giving and receiving. They need the courage to say, “I could use some help,” and the grace to let someone else show up.
Asking for Help Is a Resilience Strategy
One of the ideas I loved most from Shannon is that asking for help is a resilience strategy.
That may sound obvious, but it is not how many of us were trained. Especially in leadership, asking for help can feel risky. We may worry that people will think we are unprepared or incapable. We may worry about burdening our teams. We may worry that the other person will feel obligated or resentful.
But Shannon pointed to research showing that we often underestimate how willing people are to help and how good it can feel for them to be asked. That has certainly been true in my own life and work.
In the episode, I shared that I had recently asked Shannon and Senia to look over a client report. It was not a huge ask, but it mattered to me. Shannon’s input made the work better. And when I asked her how it felt to be asked, she did not describe it as a burden. She described it as clear, useful, and even meaningful.
When we ask clearly and respectfully, we are not necessarily adding weight to someone else’s life. We may be communicating trust. We may be saying, “I value your perspective.” We may be creating a chance for collaboration, contribution, and shared ownership.
I often hear leaders say they do not want to burden their teams. But sometimes what the team hears is something very different: “My leader does not trust me with this.” Delegation, when done well, can communicate confidence. It can give someone a chance to grow. It can deepen a sense of partnership.
Of course, healthy asking also requires boundaries. Right before we recorded, I asked Shannon about a potential client opportunity because I knew she would be wonderful for it. She said she would love to, and she could not. She was maxed. And I appreciated that deeply.
That kind of honesty builds trust. When someone can say yes or no truthfully, the relationship becomes cleaner. The ask does not become a trap. It becomes an honest exchange.
Vulnerability Without Perfection
Shannon and I also talked about vulnerability, and how it allows relationships to deepen.
Many people are willing to be vulnerable with those closest to them, but it can become harder as the circle widens. At work, especially, people may worry about appearing weak, needy, messy, or unprepared. And of course, there is such a thing as oversharing. Vulnerability still needs discernment.
But if we never show any vulnerability, there is a mask between us and other people.
I often say that I do not know one human being on this earth who has everything perfectly buttoned up. And if someone did, I am not sure they would be very easy to relate to. We do not need our friends, colleagues, or leaders to be perfect. We need them to be human.
Perfectionism can get in the way of that. When we are highly judgmental toward ourselves, we can also become highly judgmental toward others. People feel that. They feel the intensity in the room. They sense when there is no room to stumble, no room to ask an imperfect question, no room to say the wrong thing and repair it.
Trust grows when there is enough safety for real humanity to enter. Sometimes that means saying, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” Sometimes it means not rushing to fix. Sometimes it means asking, “Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?” Sometimes it means simply staying present and saying, “That sounds really hard. I am so sorry you are going through that.”
We do not always need to have the perfect response. Often, the other person just needs us to be with them.
The Questions That Help People Lean In
One of Shannon’s strongest points was about open-ended questions.
She said that if there is one skill almost every leader she has coached could improve, from new managers to CEOs, it is asking better open-ended questions. I agree completely.
Many people believe they are good at asking questions because they ask a lot of them. But not all questions invite openness. Some are technically open-ended but still feel like judgment in disguise. “Why did you do it that way?” may be open, but it can easily put someone on the defensive. The first sentence we say can either invite someone to lean in or cause them to lean back.
That image is useful for leaders. Before asking a question, we can pause and consider how it may land in the other person’s body. Does this question create openness? Does it communicate curiosity? Does it help the person think? Or does it make them feel tested, judged, or cornered?
Shannon suggested beginning with “what” or “how” questions. These often create more space. They help us ask questions we do not already know the answer to, which can be uncomfortable for perfectionists and very powerful for leadership.
Questions like these can change the quality of a conversation:
- What would be most helpful right now?
- How are you thinking about this?
- What feels unclear?
- What support would make this easier?
- How do you want to move forward?
Those kinds of questions communicate real curiosity. They invite another person’s thinking instead of trying to control it.
Turning Toward Bids for Attention
Shannon also brought in John Gottman’s work on bids for attention. A bid can be very small and in that moment, we have a choice. We can turn toward, turn away, or turn against.
Turning toward does not have to be dramatic. It might simply be, “What did you learn?” or “Tell me more.” Turning away might be a distracted “That’s nice” while we keep looking at our phone. Turning against might be irritation, criticism, or dismissal.
We often think relationships are built or broken in the major events, and sometimes they are. But they are also shaped by the micro-moments we either notice or miss. Are we present? Are we curious? Are we available for the small invitation in front of us?
At the end of the episode, Shannon offered a simple practice: with the next person you interact with, put down your phone, close your laptop, look into their eyes, and ask a real question.
It sounds easy. It is harder than it sounds. And it can change the moment.
Actionable Practices for Building Stronger Relationships
What I hope listeners take from this conversation is that this is all something we can practice. It does not always require a grand gesture. It often begins with one small, intentional act.
- Start by noticing micro-moments. Look for one simple opportunity to engage with a stranger, a neighbor, a colleague, or someone in your home. Make eye contact. Offer help. Say hello. Ask a question.
- Practice making a micro-ask. Ask for something small and clear. It could be feedback on a slide, help thinking through a decision, borrowing a tool, or asking someone to look over a paragraph. Notice what happens. You may find that people are more willing to help than you expected.
- Create your support list before you need it. Who are the people you call when you need to laugh? Who helps you think? Who can hold a calm space? Who knows your history? Who gives practical advice? When we identify our people before we are depleted, we are more likely to reach out when life gets hard.
- Ask better questions. Try beginning with what or how. Ask questions you do not already know the answer to. Listen for the response instead of preparing your next move.
- And finally, turn toward the next bid. When someone shares something small, pause. Put the phone down. Let them know their words reached you.
These practices are simple, but they are not small. They are how trust grows. They are how relationships deepen. They are how we remember that we are not alone.
This Is a Leadership Practice
The ability to build strong relationships is both deeply personal and profoundly relevant to leadership.
Leaders shape the emotional climate around them. They can make it easier or harder for people to ask for help. They can create rooms where people feel judged, or rooms where people feel safe enough to contribute. They can rush past bids for attention, or they can slow down and turn toward them.
This affects well-being. It affects creativity. It affects resilience. It affects whether people feel like they belong, and it starts in very ordinary moments.
Shannon reminded me that we should not save our best presence only for the people closest to us or the moments when everything is urgent. We can practice it every day, in small ways, with the humans right in front of us.
Because we are not meant to do life alone. And when we remember that, something opens — at work, at home, and in ourselves.
