Have you ever said, “I want to go for promotion, but I’m worried that if I don’t stay involved in X project, it won’t get done right,” or, “My boss offered me a special assignment, but I don’t think I can do it given everything I’m juggling,” or, “I want to scale my business, but I’m not a good delegator.”
Many of my coaching clients grapple with the unexamined skill of letting go, especially high-functioning managers/directors. These clients are stuck in the (formally useful) patterns that got them to where they are. Yet, the same patterns that made them successful hold them back from jumping into the next opportunity that will grow their impact or career.
Letting go is essential because it creates space for growth and renewal.
When my clients talk to me about letting go, they are really referring to giving up certainty or comfort. Many of the leaders I work with have to surrender control in order to empower their teams. They have to let go of an identity in order to engage new possibilities and connections.
Letting go of what you’ve created or nurtured takes nerve. So, the first question I ask clients is, are you willing to surrender a well-worn pattern, a role, a set of beliefs or expectations, a feeling of safety or certainty, in order to grow? If their answer is yes, they immediately ask me, “How do I start?”
First, we talk about what letting go is and what it isn’t.
It doesn’t look like giving up.
It doesn’t look like walking out.
It looks like deciding that a new model, behavior or belief is more appropriate now.
It looks like taking care of the transitions, then getting out of the way.
Letting go is about countering the momentum of what is with the possibility of what could be and moving toward that possibility — even if you don’t know how it will turn out. Letting go is an act of courage. It’s a leap of faith.
So what makes courage and faith more possible? The leaders I work with have shown me some ways:
1. Meditate.
Meditation is a means to a still and clear mind. A clear mind is one that is not reactive or assumptive. With a clear mind, you actually create more flexibility and enhanced capacity to let go.
If you’re going to let go, you have to direct your attention away from worry and anxiety toward possibility. You also have to regulate your emotions to access courage and self-compassion. Meditation is a way of helping our minds let go of rhetoric and static so that we can experiment with new ways of being and acting.
2. See the universe as friendly.
Einstein said, “The most basic question people must answer for themselves is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place?'” Einstein postulated that if people believe the universe is unfriendly, they isolate themselves and build walls and weapons for protection. If people believe the universe is indifferent, then luck is their only ally, they lose agency, and life loses meaning. If people believe that the universe is friendly, they use their natural resources, tools and discoveries for the common good.
My clients who can let go believe the world is friendly. They are critical thinkers, but they aren’t skeptics. They believe others have good intentions, so they share information. Because they aren’t protecting their resources or egos, it’s easier to let go and experience possibilities and growth.
One of the truest and fastest ways to see the universe as friendly is to notice what is right in your life. I encourage my clients to write about their contributions because it builds confidence in their actions. That same confidence helps us let go to learn something new from a friendly universe.
3. Pursue positive emotions.
Seeking and expressing positive emotions is another way we can let go. Research shows that expressing joy facilitates experimentation. Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden and build theory reveals that individuals who cultivate positive emotions over time (in at least a 3:1 ratio) have more mental, physical and social options. Positive emotions literally open people up to greater possibilities, new knowledge and skills, and new connections with others.
4. Depersonalize.
Work is a reflection of who we are, but it isn’t all we are. Over-identifying with a position makes it harder to let go. Work is personal, but it’s not meant to limit you.
I’ve seen clients take on the stress of their environments because they can’t separate themselves from the pressure around them. I’ve seen executives so consumed with their own expertise that they are unwilling to hear innovative ideas. The most successful leaders I know are focused on the work versus their self-image or their attachments. It takes discernment and humility to pay attention to the work instead of the noise. Those who can do this grow faster.
5. Develop others.
If you’re always the savior, you may be sending a message to your team that they need to be saved. Your team members and colleagues want to develop and self-direct. If you micromanage, they can’t demonstrate their competence or connect easily with you. When leaders over-execute with capable employees, they squash the confidence, wellbeing and engagement of their staff.
I ask my clients, “Where can you let go so someone else can shine? And what do you need to teach that person in order to pass the baton?”
Joseph Campbell, the great anthropologist who studied heroes throughout time, said, “You must give up the life you’ve planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you.” Surrendering certainty is uncomfortable, yet it’s a requirement for evolution. Quieting your mind, dropping your defenses, expressing positive emotions, depersonalizing and developing others are just a few ways to let go in order to grow.
